It has come to my attention that you have decided to give me an award. Congratulations! This decision clearly reflects well on your organization. However, because of the sheer volume of awards I receive, I regret that I am unable to respond to your award notification personally. Do not misunderstand me: I am accepting the award. I am simply writing to inform you -- or, rather, this blog post is writing to inform you that I will be unable to attend your ceremony or accept the award in person. If you like, I would be happy to display the trophy/plaque/medal attached to this award in my den. Though, that service is associated with a small storage fee to be paid by your organization monthly, as space in my den is limited.
As a gesture of my appreciation, below I have included the text of an acceptance speech that may be read aloud at your ceremony. In terms of who should read the speech, I suggest that you choose the most attractive person in your town or, ideally, a person wearing a mask made to look like my face. If you do not have time to fashion a Seth-mask, I will be happy to mail you a disposable, paper Seth-mask (I have plenty) in time for your ceremony. Though, again, this service is associated with a small fee.
Text of speech:
"I would sincerely like to thank [name of organization] for presenting me with this award. If there were other nominees, it was an honor to be nominated alongside them. If there were no other nominees who qualified to win this award, that makes a bit more sense.
I would also like to thank all the big, important, sexy people that helped make my success possible. Remember when we were all standing on the roof of that hotel drinking champagne and laughing about how everyone other than us is really just a bunch of chumps? Me too! See you all at the regatta.
As far as the little people are concerned, I have absolutely nothing to say to you... Except maybe thanks for opening up the doors of buildings when you see me walking toward them.
Due to a matter that is still in litigation, I am unable to thank my parents publicly. Until they comply with the terms outlined in my petition, I cannot confirm their role in my success up to this point.
If there is any money attached to this award, I am pleased to announce that I plan on setting aside the entire amount in order to buy my mistress a series of elaborate gifts. If there isn't any money attached to the award, I will begrudgingly accept whatever cash the presenters might have on them."
After the speech is read, do your best to make sure that your audience applauds loudly. Audience members with either outgoing or introverted personalities should be encouraged to whoop or become misty-eyed respectively. Unattractive audience members should be encouraged to wear Seth-masks (fees apply). The person accepting the award on my behalf will be provided a mailing envelope with my address on it. Make sure that any money collected from the presenters is placed into this envelope and mailed to me. Though, take note, these funds cannot be applied to any fees you may have accrued in the course of presenting me with this award.
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