UPDATES

The Very Best Lines from my Unproduced Spec Script for Dodgeball 2

“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” 

- Patches O'Houlihan, from the film Dodgeball

PATCHES: 

If you can still dodge a wrench, you can still dodge a ball. 

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PATCHES: 

If you can dodge a shrimp cocktail, you can dodge a ball.  

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PATCHES: 

If you can dodge an unusually large ball, you can dodge a regular-sized ball. I’m sure of it. 

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BEGIN FLASHBACK:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DAY.   

Wide shot of Berkeley campus.

SUPER: UNIVERSITY OF BERKELEY, 1969. 

MUSIC CUE: “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival.  

PATCHES: 

If you can dodge a draft, you can dodge a ball. 

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PATCHES: 

If you can dodge a Wilson brand torque wrench, you can dodge the ball Wilson from the major motion picture Castaway.

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PATCHES: 

If you can bench a Dodge Charger, you’ll be invited to the Governor’s Ball. 

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PATCHES: 

The fact that you just dodged a ball tells me something about you. I don’t want to get into it now but it has something to do with wrenches.

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PATCHES: 

This ball is shaped like a wrench. It’s just a little something I’ve whipped up for demonstration purposes.

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PATCHES: 

If you can dodge a socket wrench, you can dodge a ball joint.

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PATCHES: 

Dodging screwdrivers doesn’t indicate anything, so stop asking.

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PATCHES: 

If you can dodge a meatball, you can eat with a wrench.

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PATCHES 

(lying nude on sofa) 

Dodge me, like one of your wrench girls.

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PATCHES: 

If you can dodge two wrenches, you can dodge two balls. Dodgeball 2.