Recipes: Volume I

Graham Cracker Soup

1.) Combine the following in a 15 gallon pot:
-Five gallons condensed milk
-Three cans tomato paste
-One pound chopped celery
-One whole, uncut cantalope
-Two ice cream sandwhiches
2.) Bring the contents of the pot to a rolling boil for 30 minutes, stirring continuously. Every 5 minutes, drop in one handful of dimes.
3.)Drop to one knee. Find your reflection in the side of the pot and scream at it in a purposeless rage.
4.)It is time to add the following to the pot:
-One tropical fish
-Two pictures of your father wearing a costume
-Five reams of paper
5.)Reduce heat and allow the contents of the pot to congeal.
6.)Crumble one graham cracker over the contents of the pot.
7.)Pour the contents of the pot into one business size envelope, and enjoy!
Garbage Raisins
1.)Drop one whole box of unopened raisins into a garbage can.
2.)Keep a detailed log of anyone who looks down into the garbage can at the raisins, or who tries to take them out.
3.)If anyone asks you what you’re doing, tell the truth.