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Don't Spend a Dime: A Guide to Supporting Seth Fried's Debut Collection On The Cheap

Times are tight. In recent years most families have been forced to cut their debut short story collection budgets dramatically, if not eliminate them altogether. But not to worry! There are plenty of ways you can support my forthcoming collection without spending so much as one hot round American dime.

1.) Fill out an acquisition request form at the library.

Even if you can’t purchase my book, you can still convince your library to grab a copy. Most libraries are run by nice people who want you to have access to the books you’re interested in, so they should take your request to heart. However, while you’re talking to them make sure you pronounce it “library” and not “lie-berry.” That will help prevent them from throwing out your acquisition request form.

2.) Only have sex with people who have bought my book.

Not only will this incentivise people to buy my book in the short term, but in a few generations we might even be able to eliminate the genetic traits that cause people not to buy my book.

3.) Give my book a positive rating on Amazon and Goodreads.

I know what you’re thinking: How can I give your book a positive rating if I haven’t read it? But, let’s face it, it’s not like that would make you the first person to post an opinion on the internet despite the fact that you have no idea what you’re talking about.

In order to help you out, I’ve written a few reviews for my book that you can adapt for your own purposes:

“The Great Frustration? More like the great short story collection!”

-Trent Banister, Stairville MA

“If I could travel back in time, the second thing I would do (right after making out with Helen of Troy and right before smacking Adolf Hitler in the face with a pipe) would be to sit down and enjoy this book for the first time all over again.”

-Dr. Leroy Fice, Biosphere 2

4.) Social media the book with social media.

This one is easy. Just Facebook link some Facebook links. Tweet some tweets. Do whatever it is Tumblr does with your Tumblr account. Write a heart-melting love ballad about my book and upload the song to Youtube. Go on MySpace and design a really busy profile layout in which animated gifs of my book bounce up and down to the music of some obscure screamcore band.

5.) Ask a loved one to get you a copy for your birthday.

Happy Birthday!!!

6.) Borrow my book from a friend of yours and don’t return it.

That way the friend will be forced to replace his or her copy and you will have effectively purchased my book.

7.) Send my book good vibes.

If you are a hippy, then you might be in a position to send my book good vibes. If so, please do.

8.) Find people sending my book bad vibes and stop them at all costs.

If you are a hippy who also happens to have a crazy vigilante component to your personality, then you might want to take to the streets and prevent people from sending my book bad vibes.

9.) Make a mental note to check out my book when you’re a little more flush.

Yeah! No big deal. No reason to stress about it right now. You’re going to get that big promotion. I just know it. And when you do, my book will be waiting to congratulate you.

Cover Letters: Gettin' Noticed

A very serious and well-made video of mine is being featured over on Ninth Letter’s blog. It’s a little educational film that I threw together early last year during a cold-related Sudafed binge. While you’re over at Ninth Letter’s site, make sure to subscribe toot sweet. They have a new issue coming out, which, though I’m not in it, still looks like it’s going to be awesome.

Happy Halloween: A Seth Fried Fan's Guide to a Safe and Successful All Hallows' Eve

Arguably the most costume-oriented holiday of the year is steadily approaching, and everybody here at Seth headquarters is getting into the spirit. As you can see, my book has decided to go as Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Adorable.

Also, this year I’ll be staying home to hand out sugarless suckers attached to blank applications for library cards, which I’ll be doing in the grim hopes of being egged to death. What can I say? Halloween just brings out my love of the macabre.

In any event, here are a few Halloween safety tips:

1.) If you find a razor blade in one of your fun-sized Snickers bars, DON’T EAT IT! But if you want to use the Snickers bar to shave, that should be fine.

2.) Remember to poke air holes in your costume, especially if you’re going as dry-cleaning.

3.) Fasten reflective tape to your costume. Ideally, you should also place reflective tape on each piece of candy you receive. If you see anything on October 31st that isn’t covered in reflective tape, don’t trust it.

4.) Check your candy to make sure it’s not poisoned. If you need help spotting poisoned candy, a good trick is to take a normal piece of candy and poison it. When testing a piece of Halloween candy for poison, keep some of this pre-poisoned candy nearby and take small bites of both to see if they taste similar. If they do, the candy in question has been poisoned. Don’t eat it.

5.) Make sure to carry a flashlight, even if you are going to an office party.

6.) Remember to have fun exclamation point.