My Sales Figures

Let’s cut the crap. Publishing is a business. The only books that are important are the ones that sell. It doesn’t matter how “good” a book is or how many “pages” it has. What matters is how many people it makes stinking, throw-up-in-a-diamond-bucket rich.

So while I’m very proud of my book’s cultural/critical/artistic achievements (ever since it came out this May it has been playing the zeitgeist like a guitar it bought at a garage sale), the only thing that can really be used to measure its success is huge burlap sacks filled with nasty cash.

That’s why I’ve decided to post my book’s sales figures right here on this blog… The only problem is that everyone who has seen The Great Frustration’s numbers firsthand has been so blown away by its commercial success that they have either a.) moved to the mountains and become hermits or b.) spontaneously ripped their own heads off. So the exact sales figures are not available to me.

But, using the information at my disposal, I have managed to come up with what I feel is a pretty accurate report on the book’s progress:

This Monday (July, 25th) a friend of mine named Shawn told me he was thinking of buying my book, which I’m assuming he later went on to do. The very next day (July, 26th) I spoke to two of my family members who said that they were both also planning to purchase a copy of my book eventually. Therefore, my sales doubled in a two-day period. In business analytics, this is what’s called a “trend.”

Figure 1 (Extrapolation of Trend)

Examining this trend even further, you’ll find that by August 13th over 500,000 people will have bought my book.

Figure 2 (Further Extrapolation of Trend)

And exactly one-third of those people will be named Shawn.

Figure 3 (Proportion of Shawns)

And when you consider the fact that Shawn is not a particularly common name, it becomes obvious that 500,000 is a rather conservative estimate. After all, my book is probably also being purchased by Peters and Susans and Ambers and Jacobs and Sarahs and Angelas and guys whose friends call them Spud and Jasons and Tonys and Chets and Montagues and the list goes on. Amandas and Stevens and Beauregards and Tiffanys and Malcolms and Jamals and Warners.

In any event, the point I’m trying to make here is not that money is the most important thing in the world. Just in publishing. And while its commercial success does not necessarily mean that you will like my book, it does mean that not liking it would make you evil and strange.

End of post!